Six Women on Love, Dating and Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s the day of love or the day of being reminded that you’re single. But, contrary to what society would have you believe, being single doesn’t have to be a negative; as Issa Rae said, “it’s me season”. 

The origins of Valentine’s Day are unclear, with various points in history contributing to what it has become today, but what we do know is that culturally, Valentine’s Day tends to divide opinion for couples and singles. 

Is it just another day? Does it need to be celebrated? Shouldn’t you show love to your significant other every day and not make a big deal of it on this one day? Should Valentine’s Day celebrate only romantic love, or should different types of love be included? 

Having a Valentine’s requires you to be in a romantic relationship or at least dating, which is a hot topic right now in London. The verdict from friends, colleagues and the continuous debates online is that the current dating scene is a mess. Many women will not be spending Valentine’s Day with a romantic partner. Instead, it may be spent with girlfriends, or it will simply be just another day. 

Research shows that Black women face nuanced socio-political issues that make the dating market for them especially worrying. So for Valentine’s Day, we spoke to Black women from London about their dating experiences, thoughts on love and Valentine’s Day in this editorial. 

Cyan

What do you like about being single?

Being free to do whatever I want without discussing it with a partner. I think the examples of relationships that I have around me has made me reluctant to be in one and not in a bad sense; it’s just that it’s a commitment that I’m not ready for.

Has your overall dating experience been bad, complicated or good? Could you tell us why?

It’s been complicated because dating lacks transparency and actual feeling. Everyone craves to be loved but not to love someone else. I would also say that it’s been insightful; I’ve learnt a lot more about myself than I’ve learnt about men! I know my standards, expectations and what I consider red flags and green ones, and without my experiences, I’d be clueless.

Do you prioritise romantic love in your life?

No, and I’m so glad that I’m allowed that freedom as a woman. It was more of a priority back in the day because life expectancy was significantly shorter, and without a man, you couldn’t own anything and were financially bound. Now that’s not the case! Personally, prioritising romantic love would put me in a vulnerable position of possibly settling for less or mistaking lust for love because it would feel like I’m searching for it. 

Terry

What issues have you found with dating in London?

I didn’t grow up in London, so I find that I’m still navigating the dating culture. I’ve found that the men I come across here avoid expressing what they want. They are very coy and not straightforward. I grew up in NYC, and the men there are very different. I wouldn’t say they are any better, but I feel like you know what they’re on by the second or 3rd date. In London, I’ve experienced men showing interest haphazardly; one week they seem interested, the next week they’ve not put in any effort, then the week after that they’re back again. I guess just as much as I’m not prioritising dating, maybe men here aren’t either.

Do you prioritise romantic love in your life?

I don’t prioritise romantic love in my life. I’m surrounded by so much platonic love from both genders that it sometimes fills the void of not having a romantic partner. I think love finds its way to you. It comes when you least expect it. Before I thought deeply about this question, I strongly believed I didn’t need to prioritise love to receive it. But, the more I think about my age and the future I envision for myself, maybe I should prioritise love and open myself up more to receive love.

What would be the benefits of having a partner be for you?

The biggest benefit of having a partner would be companionship. It would be so nice to share my life with someone and explore the world with them. I’m quite independent, so it would be nice to have someone consistent, who supports me, loves me, and wants the best for me.

Tajana

What issues have you found with dating in London?

Honestly, we really have it hard out here. That isn’t a cry for sympathy or to be told otherwise. It’s just straight facts. From colourism to hair shaming and the European or ‘tropical’ beauty standard, dating in London as a Black woman can be so hard. I also feel like the London dating scene has almost ‘glamorised’ struggle love. By that, I mean the confusion, mixed signals, dating without intention but not communicating that, sneaking about, I feel like we have that so much here in London. I know social media isn’t real life, but you hear stories every day.

Has your dating experience so far inspired or discouraged you from finding love?

My dating experience has not discouraged me from finding love at all. I feel like we will all find the right true love eventually. If a situation with someone doesn’t work out, I try to take that as Gods protection and trust that it just means that person was not right for me and God has something greater coming. That can be so hard when feelings are involved, but I honestly do believe everything happens for a reason, and I am very hopeful that we will all find love if we want it, but I am still so young. I’m only 24, and I feel like in our head, we have this societal idea that we will find love and marry at 24, but times have changed. I know I’ll find love; I just don’t know when. That’s up to God and God only.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? 

I used to be really negative about Valentine’s Day. I felt it was just another day to symbolise that I’m single. I think, especially when you come out of a relationship, it can be hard to participate in Valentine’s Day because it makes you remember that the person you once spent it with is no longer a part of that. However, now, I think of Valentine’s as a reason to get dressed up with my girls and do something nice. We call it ‘Galentines’. Love doesn’t just exist in relationships; love also exists in friendships, so why not celebrate with your girls.

Amanda

What issues have you found with dating in London?

With the rise of dating apps, it feels like it’s harder to meet people in real life when you’re out and about in London. I miss the days of the unexpected meet-cutes.

What do you think Valentine’s Day represents culturally?

From a western perspective, Valentine’s Day feels very commercialised like most “holidays”. I lived in Colombia, and they celebrate “Día de Amor y Amistad” – Day of Love and Friendship in September, and even though it’s still commercialised, it just felt so much more wholesome.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel?

I really hate to be that girl, but Valentine’s day really does make me cringe, whether I’m in a relationship or not. It’s cute that other people buy into it, but my worst nightmare is being presented with that white teddy and red rose combo.

You are very accomplished. How often do you meet someone that matches that?

Now that I’m clearer about who I am and my desires, I’m so intentional with my dating. I’m finding that I’m meeting people who are more aligned with who I am and the attributes I most value in a partner. The tricky part is finding all of that plus the romantic connection.

Nifemi

What issues have you found with dating in London?

Men in full relationships but have managed to convince themselves they can’t live without you. Men who lie about themselves but don’t quite keep track of all the lies they have chosen. Men who continue to push misogyny and their perception of a bBlack woman’s place. Men who have preconceived ideas about dating and are so scared you are just in this for a meal and a story to tell the GC and so, they treat you like crap and when you inevitably cut them off, you join their ranks of stories that they have about black women.

I genuinely think some men in London date because they think they must, but they can’t stand women in reality. So, the short answer is men.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel?

Believe it or not but I love Valentine’s Day. It’s a day where lovers can unapologetically be obsessed with each other. In a place like London where perception is so important, and we really don’t like looking “moist”, I even think we need more valentine days sprinkled randomly in other parts of the year. It makes me feel hopeful, especially when you see couples who are truly in love and actively putting each other on display — seeing the forward-thinking of some men to plan out romantic dinners or activities, just because, is encouraging.

How did you spend your favourite Valentine’s Day?

My favourite Valentine’s day was while I was a poor uni student. I was dating someone who was not in the same financial situation as me. They showered me with gifts, and all I could do was cook them a meal (and when I say meal, I mean a university struggle meal) and buy them an anime t-shirt. I was a little embarrassed and explained how I was still going to get him something else. He, however, was sitting there absolutely loving the T-shirt because it had his favourite character at the time plastered on the front.

Aysha

What do you like about being single?

I like that I have got to know myself on many levels mentally, physically and emotionally and have been able to heal from past relationships without distractions. I also like that I love myself whole and feel content without needing someone to make me happy. I enjoy my own company and get to do things on my terms.

Has your dating experience so far inspired or discouraged you from finding love?

My dating experiences have inspired me to be patient, stay true to myself and keep on my journey to finding true love. It has made it more apparent what exactly it is that I want and what I am willing to wait for. I know what I deserve, and I won’t settle. That’s the beauty of being single; you learn the true meaning of love and how it should present itself to you. You also learn to spot the red flags and run for the hills at the first sign of trouble instead of riding it out and spending years with the wrong person.

How does Valentine’s Day make you feel?

Valentine makes me feel good. I am a hopeless romantic, and I love to see love everywhere. Love makes the world go around, so I totally embrace Valentine’s Day. It keeps the hope alive that your special love is on its way. Valentine’s Day, when love is flowing through the world at its highest force, is a beautiful thing.

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